It’s been a long time since I have posted. I will blame it on having a newborn. I can blame a lot on that. I will probably use that excuse until he is one or ten years old. Our son was born on April 19th. We were so excited to meet him. He doesn’t do much at the moment but I can tell he is starting to really take things in, learning and observing his little world. We are now the parent of 2. It’s exciting and scary. It has its moments…and those “moments” sometimes happen in the middle of the night. Like last night. It was a full on parenting middle of the night moment and what struck me in the middle of the night was how life (and any semblance of the old before he came) gets pushed aside. I think what bothered me the most was how my spiritual life has taken a hit. I haven’t spent any time with God and it has started to show. I am going through the motions of getting adjusted, trying to stay sane. All the while that part of my life, which is the foundation, is crumbling…so being up in the middle of the night with the baby and his congested nose was my wake up call. Its sounds silly but the Lord knows how to get our attention. Just let anything happen to one of my kids and I am on my knees praying.
Isn’t it funny how well He knows us? 
Isn’t it great how much He cares about spending time with us?
So my son could barely breath, much less take a bottle with all of his congestion. He even sounded like he was choking at one point. I was terrified. There isn’t any medicine to give a two month old and they cant blow their nose so all you have is saline and a horrible aspirator which makes him scream. It was 2:30 in the morning and I hadn’t even dozed off yet for fear of this happening. I was scared and felt completely alone in my own house. When it started to work and he got quiet I prayed. And then I heard a song in my mind. It’s an older song but one of my favorites by Susan Ashton called Grand Canyon. (She is a great songwriter…where are you Susan Ashton?? Come back and write more songs!!) The lyrics have resonated with me at different times of my life. One line in particular is:
“Sometimes I feel like I’m as close as your shadow and
Sometimes I feel like I’m looking up at You from the bottom of the Grand Canyon.”
In the quiet as I fed my son I felt like I was at the bottom of that Grand Canyon again. I hadn’t been in real prayer for a while and God felt far away. But the truth is I moved, not Him.
Lord, I am sorry for putting everything else first. I am sorry that you have to go to such great lengths to get my attention. I am sorry that I have neglected the most important relationship in my life.
It always seems that I must be in some sort of crisis to be on my knees. When I was going through the battle with my husband and his addiction I was keenly aware of the Lords presence in my life. I spoke to Him all day long, prayed all day long…and now? Well, my husband and I switched roles. He is closer than ever and I am at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
Another line of the song is “And I’m a long way from where I know I need to be
When there’s a Grand Canyon between You and me”
This is part of the process of moving on in life when you aren’t in crisis mode. You learn to live again but you need to learn how to keep God first now that the storm has passed. I am A LONG way from where I know I need to be and things will keep coming into my life like waves (good and bad). I need to keep afloat or I will drown. I won’t go overboard with the analogy but it really works in this case. Keeping afloat means you must keep learning, keep praying, keep diligently seeking truth and putting on the armor. I have to learn this or I won’t grow spiritually. I will be stuck in “for emergencies only” mode and that’s not what my faith is about. God isn’t to be compartmentalized or kept in our back pocket. He should be daily…like my commitment to feed my son on a schedule. I have to actively schedule my priority with God. Having a newborn, a job, a 4 year old, and my life in general are secondary. I am sure I will have many more Grand Canyon moments in my life. But I think last night I realized that I was stuck in a pattern. If I am going to live this life on the wagon, then all of me needs to get on board. If we as Christians don’t grow and attempt to face each seasons of our life as if its our last then we will miss out on what we can learn when the storms are calmed. The storms are just temporary but we have to use what we learn from them. I learned some big lessons in my storms but the most important one is that Jesus held me up through them all and will continue to do so. I just think I would rather know Him better when the next round comes as it inevitably will.
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
Here are the lyrics to Grand Canyon…check out the song if you get a chance!
I’ve seen You calm the waters raging
in the rivers of my mind
Your spirit blows a breeze into my soul
And I’ve felt the fire that warms the heart
Knowing that it comes from You
Then I’ve let it turn as cold as a stone
Sometimes I feel like I’m as close as your shadow and
Sometimes I feel like I’m looking up
at You from the bottom of the
Grand Canyon, so small and so far
From the Grand Canyon, with a hole in my heart
And I’m a long way from where I know I need to be
When there’s a Grand Canyon between You and me
I’ve had the faith that gave me strength
for moving any mountainside
I’ve felt the solid ground beneath my feet
But I’ve had the bread of idleness while
drinking from a well of doubt
And it shakes the core of all I believe
Sometimes I feel like I’m as close as your shadow and
Sometimes I feel like I’m looking up
at you from the bottom of the
When there’s a Grand Canyon between You and me
Sometimes I feel like I’m as close as your shadow and
Sometimes I feel like I’m looking up
at you from the bottom of the
When there’s a Grand, Grand Canyon between You and me
Life on the Wagon 