7 years ago this is what I would have wanted. Fanfare. Celebration. But my husband in his unique, humble way makes things about giving God the glory which is always how it should be when it comes to victories in our life. I’m thankful for that wonderful quality in him that deflects the pride and places it fully on the one who saved him from himself 7 years ago.
So today is a quiet day of celebration. A peaceful day of reflection on the slow ascent to today. How our lives have changed in the midst of the odds against us. Who we’ve met along the way that we can’t imagine not knowing now. The immense sense of relief and freedom we both feel in the small moments and the big excursions. 7 years ago the idea of my husband setting out on a golf outing or weekend away would cause tremendous anxiousness…fear driven for what I expected to happen which usually did before this date. Now I welcome it. I encourage and wholeheartedly want him to go out in the world and I have nothing but peace in my heart about the outcome. The worry has been replaced with peace. Only God can do that.
What has changed in me is my ability to trust my husband fully. And I do. Without hesitation I trust my husband. Because ultimately I trust Gods plan for my life. The great mystery of this peace that passes understanding happened to me. It defies human logic when the storms rage around me but the inner calm transcends my feeble understanding. The world wants to put peace in a quote, in a box or on a bumper sticker but this kind of peace cannot be defined or pinned down. I used to have a hard time believing in what was the undefinable because that means I couldn’t answer the question of what it was or is. Now I am content to enjoy this peace that God gives me without having it defined because it’s real to me. It exists in the depths of a soul and cannot be uprooted by the waves of life’s tragedies.
I’ve got a lot of unanswered questions in my life. There are things about life I don’t understand. Things that don’t make sense…but then again, I remember that there are things I’ve wanted for my life that didnt happen and now I understand a deeper reason for the why. At the time I wanted them though I was decisive that it was I needed but the Lord knows what we need when we need it IF we look to Him to provide it.
7 years ago I was in a lot of pain. I was in the shadowlands of life. I wanted out. I wanted anything but the circumstances I was in. The world told me my solution was just to cut the ties. That’s what I wanted too. But Gods plan was different. Better. Healing. A Journey. Perfect in its imperfection. Extraordinary in the ordinary. It’s still changing and shifting but I’ve learned the deal. There’s a wonderful quote by C.S. Lewis about pain that reminds me about it’s usefulness in our lives:
“Pain is God’s megaphone to rouse a deaf world. Why must it be pain? Why can’t he rouse us more gently, with violins or laughter? Because the dream from which we must be wakened, is the dream that all is well.”
I have learned that this was me in my denial and God in his infinite wisdom knew that I would not wake up and face anything about myself unless I was broken and in need of dismissal from my self sufficency. After 7 years of living in this new normal, I have accepted my life now as the happiness from the pain then.
The ordinary is the best part. In the ordinary I find the simple joys of life. There are the moments when I cannot do a bedtime routine One.More.Time without pulling out my hair or sighing with impatience but I quickly remind myself of what could have been and what it is now.
So here in this quiet accomplishment where there are no bands, no cakes, no ads in the paper He puts us in the cleft of rock and covers us with his hand as his glory passes by. (Exodus 33:22) To Him be all Glory.